why conflict matters: in work and in marriage

in two days I plan to facilitate another training session; it’s on The Five Dysfunctions of a Team.  I call it Creating and Influencing Power Teams.  if you haven’t read the book you should.  but, here’s the gist of it: Peter Lencioni uses a fable to illustrate the 5 dysfunctions prevalent in ineffective, disjointed teams. the dysfunctions are: lack of trust, fear of conflict, lack of commitment, avoidance of accountability, and inattention to results.  in the pyramid model he uses lack of trust is the base and inattention to results is at the peak.  if you don’t overcome each the premise is that you won’t ever reach your full potential. 

ok, so that’s the book in a nutshell.  now how does this translate to work and marriage?  well it was clear to me why you needed trust, commitment, and accountability in both.  I paused when I got to conflict. that was going to take some convincing.  Peter made the argument and I bought it - hook, line and sinker.  

I mean am I not the only one who’s neglected to say something in a meeting (or at home) for sake of argument?  apparently its healthy practice and I should do it more often!  I have yet to master this dysfunction though, professionally, I’ve gotten much better about diplomatically stating my opinions.  at home it’s another story – I tend to do one of two things a) pointedly state my opinion (no backing down) or b) go silent.  neither is a good approach but, I’m proud to say it’s extremely rare that I have to challenge my ‘fear of conflict’ dysfunction at either work or home.

despite the negative undertone, conflict has benefits.  once you’ve built a good deal of emotional goodwill in the back account (aka trust) you can practice some tenacity and earn respect.  the key is tactful communication [credibility helps].  conflict is a necessary evil.  when you challenge each other that’s when you move beyond just being ‘great’ to being truly exceptional and dynamic.  it brings you closer – closer to a common goal and closer to one another.  every single person is inspired by a different perspective and those perspectives don’t necessarily need to be celebrated but, they should be recognized, understood and respectfully challenged. 

so, I guess the next time your boss makes a seemingly outlandish request or your husband halts your home improvement crusade validate the opinion then challenge it.  understand it, make a collective decision and move on - together.