9 ways to support a NICU parent

before prematurity awareness month ends i’m sharing this list of suggestions for how to support parents of neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) babies after our own 20 day stay.   while we had many of our needs fulfilled by our loved ones i am compelled to share since 1 in every 10 babies born in the US are premature and not all parents are as fortunate. given this statistic it’s highly likely you or someone you know will end up in the NICU.

1. be empathetic, not apologetic – i prefer (though am not perfect) to focus on what you can influence when it comes to reacting to situations.  this mentality helps me stay grounded and rational.  once you’re in the NICU you can’t change what’s happened.  simply try to understand and recognize that life in the NICU is difficult.  unless you’ve been there it’s hard to describe and control the depth of emotion as well as the expression of those emotions. even through tears the last thing a NICU parent wants to hear is ‘I’m sorry.’  while your baby fights their own battles, as a parent you are constantly challenged in ways never imagined.   even the most positive people can fall prey to feelings of angst, anger, sadness, and depression.

2. be patient – immediately after we had our baby people wanted pictures and visitors wanted to hold him.  totally understandable.  unless that baby goes to the NICU.  when that happens give the family time.  it was two hours before I got to see my baby and several more before i could actually hold him; in fact thinking about that lapse of time still makes me incredibly sad.  then after the family is together and snuggling every hour they’ll realize just how protective they’ll have to be to ensure a discharge free of a return NICU visit.  for family and friends this could mean months before being able to hold and touch the baby; give it time and don’t apply any undue pressure. 

3. bring {home-cooked} food - let’s face it hospital food isn’t great and eating out every night gets expensive.  if not to the hospital, prepare meals for the family to enjoy when they arrive home.  nothing compares to some home cookin’. plain and simple. 

4. sit with the babe - getting out of the hospital every few days helped me feel ‘normal’.  despite having around the clock care i wanted to mother my baby myself and found it difficult to leave unless someone i knew and trusted was willing to stay; just as i would if i were home.  in fact, i hardly left at all unless cody was present.  be willing to hang out at the hospital and watch the baby, if even from a chair next to the crib, is an incredible gift.

  

5. don't judge - the decisions a NICU parent makes to stay or go are entirely individual.  there are circumstances that you may never understand that influence their decisions and for those with older children i can only imagine how difficult it must be to be torn between being at home and in the NICU.  the same goes for evaluating a mother’s lifestyle.  the guilt a mother feels for delivering her child early is tremendous and often times the factors that contribute to a preterm birth are beyond her control.  put simply, be kind.

6. offer to ‘do stuff’ – drive a c-sectioned mom, grab coffee, pick up last minute baby items, check the mail, care for older children, care for pets, clean their home, do laundry, etc. the list here is endless.  early babies equal a lot of loose ends and the added stress of staying caught up at home can be all-consuming at times.

7. visit but call ahead!  when you’re in the NICU your time is not your own.  doctors and nurses have babies on strict feeding schedules and moms who are nursing or pumping are just as restricted.  further, parents staying in the NICU (like we did) are not getting adequate sleep.  with the place lit up like Vegas and interruptions throughout the night a parent may be lucky to get 90 minutes of uninterrupted sleep at a time.  visitors are certainly welcome just be sure to provide ample notice and don’t be offended if you’re asked to visit later.

8. find, wash and deliver a few preemie outfits.  when carson was born we literally had no clothes for him.  that broke my heart and made me feel somewhat unfit as a mother.  despite my best efforts (and several phone calls) i could only find a few items and lucked out that the hospital had clothes we could borrow while we were there and waiting for him to grow.  second-hand stores, target and wal-mart were our best bets for finding clothes in ‘preemie’.  (once we are done having babies i have every intention of donating our tiny garments to the NICU.)

9. ask - parents, like us, who have a do-it-all mentality may find it extremely difficult to ask for help.  my husband and i have always found ways to take care of our own needs and try hard not to inconvenience others.  for those that were insistent on doing something, anything, their help was sincerely welcomed.  if you are uncomfortable about potentially overstepping your bounds forget it; anticipate the parent’s needs and act.  i can assure you it will be appreciated.

i will forever be touched by the compassion and support of those who assisted us in our birth to NICU to home transition.  the NICU is a rough place to be and as one doctor put it ‘it’s easy to get in and hard to get out.’  comparatively we were the lucky ones.  our little one had minimal complications and after a relatively short time he is now home.  to our families, friends, and above all the medical staff that helped us get to this place you will always have a special place in my heart!  thank you!!

carson taylor: one month

dear carson,

it’s hard to believe that a month has passed since you came into this world.  you surprised us all by arriving six weeks early and you have already stolen so many hearts.  mine, for one, is all yours.  your daddy is smitten and i fall deeper in love with him each time i see him with you.  you make us smile each day but this month has been nothing short of trying. 

you spent your first three weeks in the NICU at blank children’s hospital in des moines before coming home.  despite being born with minimal complications you had to learn how to eat and grow.  you came home weighing only 5 lbs and 8 oz.  you were tiny…and still are!  despite our assisted transition to parenting we were nervous to take you home.  we’ve since established a bit of a routine, you sleep most hours of the day though and are alert in the late evening, just as you were in the womb.  you sleep best in your rock-n-play and hate getting your diaper changed.  you also do things in your own time; as an example two days before we went home you yanked out your feeding tube and ate like a champ - making home a possibility. 

allie loves you!  she loves to sniff you and lay on you – although she is a bit heavy for your tiny frame.  she is a fierce protector and now barks and growls ferociously when anyone comes near the house.  of course since your birth I’ve done all of our Christmas shopping online so she does a lot of barking each day when the fedex truck or postman arrives.  it’s quite comical.  she is also extremely tired these days and even starts upstairs hours before dad and i are ready.  i think this is because each time you grunt or moan (which is a lot) at night she wakes. 

you are ridiculously cute!  you have dad’s hairline ;) and cowlick.  it’s also possible that your hair may have red tones.  i guess we’ll see.   aside from your hair you certainly are a perfect blend of mom and dad.  we can’t pinpoint who you look like but, i see several of your uncles, cousins, myself and your daddy at any given moment. 

thank you for making me a mommy and teaching me how to love beyond measure.  you truly are a miracle and i’m so proud to call you mine!

funny moment of the month:  carson’s insurance card arrived in the mail.  cody’s reaction “seriously?! that seems like a bit much; why does he need an insurance card?  he doesn’t even have a wallet!”   

my favorite picture of you and daddy - right after you were born

so many cords!  you were two days old here and weighed less than your birth weight

leaving the NICU after 20 days

tummy time shenanigans 

at the festival of trees and lights which benefits blank children's hospital 

{at home} newborn photoshoot

when your circle includes photographers you’re never short of quality photos.  now with a newborn i consider that a good thing… if not a bit addictive!

as i shared earlier i couldn't wait to work with allison knox since her work is phenomenal (see below).  i've followed, like others, on facebook and have watched her business grow over the past several years.  when i learned we were expecting i reached out right away to plan a shoot.  part of our maternity package included an at-home newborn photo session and i could hardly wait.  however with carson's untimely arrival we were looking at weeks before his release, far too long to go without some pictures. 

that's when i called libby.  not only is she my best friend and a fantastic photographer herself i completely trusted her with my fragile little guy.  without much delay she was able to capture his NICU start and photos which helped me share and cope with his birth story.

in the weeks since his birth he has changed so much!  we lucked out having two photo shoots with our little.  once we knew that carson was being released i sent allison a message and coordinated a date for the at-home shoot.  i love that she traveled to our home and am beyond pleased with the results.  i honestly have no idea how i'm going to choose what to print and hang! 

 thanks again allison and libby for helping us to capture these special moments!! 

for more information on Allison Knox Photography click here. 

a baby's room

carson’s nursery is complete and i can't wait to share it with him!  

i must say that decorating a baby’s room has been by far my favorite project to date.  before we even knew the sex of the babe i knew i wanted to create a room of a neutral palette; creams and whites were top of mind. 

i love our unexpected furniture choices, the fact that it’s a natural reflection of our style, and the serene feel of the space.  i am so pleased with how it came together and love the boy touches and personalization that we were able to incorporate.  

some of my favorite items are the stuffed bear (pictured below) that my best friend made out of the bridesmaid dress she wore in our wedding, the alphabet boards i made and hung above his dresser, and the medal 'c' that i found for 50% off at hobby lobby.   

i hope carson loves his room as much as we do!

christmas wish list

every year it seems like i can’t think of a thing i want for Christmas until i start thinking about what i want for Christmas.  not this year.  since i've been spending the past several months getting ready for baby i have acquired a long list of things i'd like to have - doing my best to put purchases for me on hold.  this year's list is obnoxiously long and somewhat unrealistic but, hey! that's why it's a 'WISH' list.  

some flowerbomb viktor & rolf perfume ($115) - lately i've been obsessed with fragrances and this is one that i could make my signature - love!! 

this camera lens ($197) - so that i can take better pictures of my baby. 

snapfish gift card – now that i have finally started hanging pictures and decorating our home (3 years later) i have a couple of prints i’d like to put on canvas.

coffee tumbler travel mug – starbucks makes the best! ($22) i’ve had one for 5+ years and it hasn’t broke, cracked, or failed to keep my coffee warm.  when i go back to work having another in my rotation will be necessary! 

a pair of faux fur booties ($39) from pottery barn - perfect for cool mornings enjoying coffee in our sunroom - heated or not i love sitting out there! 

some keep - i'd love to decorate my wrist with some creative meaningful combos (i.e., wife,  preemie mom, dog mom, marathoner, runner, (also love this combo and color scheme!!)).

believe it or not my running medals are just in a clump in my closet - this would be a perfect way to display them ($37) - next year i have plans to add some more. ;) 

tiu beach babe 2 dvd ($34)- i've blogged about this dynamic workout duo and their epic community following and am now more committed than ever to getting toned. 

march of dimes donations  - perhaps the gift that i’d most welcome this holiday season is a donation to the march of dimes.  this is an organization dedicated to raising preemie awareness as well as promoting healthy pregnancies. as a nicu mom i have a profound appreciation for this organization and all that they do to help tiny fighters get healthy and go home.

rules of the bedroom

i’ve been missing my bed so i decided to write about our room.  

as the title might allude this post isn’t promiscuous at all.  in fact, it’s more about the mundane rituals we follow behind closed doors and the rules that we follow to keep our bedroom a tranquil yet functional space.   in our home these things work and for my husband and i they have become second nature.

1)      be realistic.  sure i’d love to have designer threads and even more pillows but, at the end of the day they’d be ruined by drool, paw prints, and spills. 

2)      eat in bed, only occasionally.  we don’t make a habit of eating in bed but will occasionally enjoy a weekend breakfast or cup of coffee from our room.  it’s extremely restful and a great way to wake up.  

 3)      make the bed - everyday.  we make our bed every morning and have for as long as we’ve been together.  even when i’m out before he wakes up cody makes sure the bed gets made.  it sets the tone for the day and makes coming home a bit more pleasant. 

4)      keep a blanket close.  not just the comforter or duvet but a blanket that invites a quick afternoon nap or additional cover on a chilly night. we have one at the foot of the bed in our room and our guest bedroom.

5) tidy up daily. our room is always picked up.  i love that my husband helps with this on mornings that i just can’t seem to get out of the house at a decent time. coming home to a clean bedroom (clear of dog toys and now, baby things) is always calming after a busy day at work or running errands.

6)  respect your sleep routine.  this isn’t referring to your wake and sleep cycle but, more about the way in which you go to sleep.  in our home cody always sleeps on my right side, he always turns off the lamp, and we always start close and then move to the edges.  on the weeknights the curtains are open and on the weekend they are closed.  when these things happen i’m instantly put to ease knowing all is right in my world.

7)  and finally, make it a point to always kiss goodnight and good morning!!  

a first halloween

seeing everyone’s halloween pictures reminds me that i now actually have a little one to enjoy this spooky holiday.  holidays in the NICU can be hard for parents, especially those with other children (or fur babies) since people under the age of 18 (and pets) aren’t allowed in the unit.  but with these challenges comes some incredibly compassionate support from others who have either experienced life in the NICU or have been touched by the recovery and release of a loved one. 

now, when i was told that i was going to have carson before halloween i half-jokingly said to the nurse and doctor ‘well, shoot! we didn’t get a halloween costume for the little guy.’  i love halloween and have always found joy in dressing up and passing out candy.  turns out i didn’t need to worry about carson’s first costume and halloween memories.  carson was thor this halloween.

as luck would have it a few prior NICU moms and nurses created several hero costumes, enough for all babies in the NICU (approximately 50+).  they took pictures, edited them all and provided copies to all of the parents.  cody picked the costume from a host of ‘heros’ and the message below was provided with our picture CD:

[these] adorable costumes for our super heros in the NICU were made because we truly believe that they are the strongest and most determined super heros. 

i couldn’t agree more!  life outside the womb is tough for a little one!  these women helped make carson’s first halloween a memorable one and later mommy and her frankenstiened baby read Room on the Broom.  

allie and chubbs celebrated the day too! 

best halloween of my life so far!