9 ways to support a NICU parent

before prematurity awareness month ends i’m sharing this list of suggestions for how to support parents of neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) babies after our own 20 day stay.   while we had many of our needs fulfilled by our loved ones i am compelled to share since 1 in every 10 babies born in the US are premature and not all parents are as fortunate. given this statistic it’s highly likely you or someone you know will end up in the NICU.

1. be empathetic, not apologetic – i prefer (though am not perfect) to focus on what you can influence when it comes to reacting to situations.  this mentality helps me stay grounded and rational.  once you’re in the NICU you can’t change what’s happened.  simply try to understand and recognize that life in the NICU is difficult.  unless you’ve been there it’s hard to describe and control the depth of emotion as well as the expression of those emotions. even through tears the last thing a NICU parent wants to hear is ‘I’m sorry.’  while your baby fights their own battles, as a parent you are constantly challenged in ways never imagined.   even the most positive people can fall prey to feelings of angst, anger, sadness, and depression.

2. be patient – immediately after we had our baby people wanted pictures and visitors wanted to hold him.  totally understandable.  unless that baby goes to the NICU.  when that happens give the family time.  it was two hours before I got to see my baby and several more before i could actually hold him; in fact thinking about that lapse of time still makes me incredibly sad.  then after the family is together and snuggling every hour they’ll realize just how protective they’ll have to be to ensure a discharge free of a return NICU visit.  for family and friends this could mean months before being able to hold and touch the baby; give it time and don’t apply any undue pressure. 

3. bring {home-cooked} food - let’s face it hospital food isn’t great and eating out every night gets expensive.  if not to the hospital, prepare meals for the family to enjoy when they arrive home.  nothing compares to some home cookin’. plain and simple. 

4. sit with the babe - getting out of the hospital every few days helped me feel ‘normal’.  despite having around the clock care i wanted to mother my baby myself and found it difficult to leave unless someone i knew and trusted was willing to stay; just as i would if i were home.  in fact, i hardly left at all unless cody was present.  be willing to hang out at the hospital and watch the baby, if even from a chair next to the crib, is an incredible gift.

  

5. don't judge - the decisions a NICU parent makes to stay or go are entirely individual.  there are circumstances that you may never understand that influence their decisions and for those with older children i can only imagine how difficult it must be to be torn between being at home and in the NICU.  the same goes for evaluating a mother’s lifestyle.  the guilt a mother feels for delivering her child early is tremendous and often times the factors that contribute to a preterm birth are beyond her control.  put simply, be kind.

6. offer to ‘do stuff’ – drive a c-sectioned mom, grab coffee, pick up last minute baby items, check the mail, care for older children, care for pets, clean their home, do laundry, etc. the list here is endless.  early babies equal a lot of loose ends and the added stress of staying caught up at home can be all-consuming at times.

7. visit but call ahead!  when you’re in the NICU your time is not your own.  doctors and nurses have babies on strict feeding schedules and moms who are nursing or pumping are just as restricted.  further, parents staying in the NICU (like we did) are not getting adequate sleep.  with the place lit up like Vegas and interruptions throughout the night a parent may be lucky to get 90 minutes of uninterrupted sleep at a time.  visitors are certainly welcome just be sure to provide ample notice and don’t be offended if you’re asked to visit later.

8. find, wash and deliver a few preemie outfits.  when carson was born we literally had no clothes for him.  that broke my heart and made me feel somewhat unfit as a mother.  despite my best efforts (and several phone calls) i could only find a few items and lucked out that the hospital had clothes we could borrow while we were there and waiting for him to grow.  second-hand stores, target and wal-mart were our best bets for finding clothes in ‘preemie’.  (once we are done having babies i have every intention of donating our tiny garments to the NICU.)

9. ask - parents, like us, who have a do-it-all mentality may find it extremely difficult to ask for help.  my husband and i have always found ways to take care of our own needs and try hard not to inconvenience others.  for those that were insistent on doing something, anything, their help was sincerely welcomed.  if you are uncomfortable about potentially overstepping your bounds forget it; anticipate the parent’s needs and act.  i can assure you it will be appreciated.

i will forever be touched by the compassion and support of those who assisted us in our birth to NICU to home transition.  the NICU is a rough place to be and as one doctor put it ‘it’s easy to get in and hard to get out.’  comparatively we were the lucky ones.  our little one had minimal complications and after a relatively short time he is now home.  to our families, friends, and above all the medical staff that helped us get to this place you will always have a special place in my heart!  thank you!!