the blissed life: happening: from one childless friend to another

when i found out 9 years ago, unexpectedly, that my best friend was pregnant i felt unbelievable happiness, angst for her, and a bit giddy about the possibility of buying baby clothes. i wasn’t naïve to the fact that our relationship was about to change. although at that time in my life I glorified what our relationship would look like: she, i and her mini would enjoy casual outings; coffee dates, shopping trips, and movie nights at her place. none of that happened. in fact, she was so consumed with life as a new parent that our daily and weekly chats turned to half-assed monthly conversations and forget about getting together; she moved farther away and we drifted apart. i felt betrayed.

fast forward 9 years and those same feelings of betrayal have since been replaced with the upmost respect. she’s still my best friend and yes, our relationship did change – significantly but, i can honestly say that the years have made me wiser to the fact that your life changes the minute a doctor places a screaming baby in your arms. from one (ashamedly) once resentful friend to another please don’t make the same mistakes i did.

1) parenting is a fact of life. some people will become parents and others will not. the first step in recognizing how to be a good friend to someone who is a parent is to know that this is their choice and as a friend you should be supportive of their decision 110%.

2) change your expectations. recognize that your friend isn’t the same person she once was. her world now revolves around the dizzying task of parenting. even more so if she has an infant. what’s important to her now may look very different from what you both valued only months before. find ways to connect and consider the world from her new point of view.

3) reach out more. in between 2 am feedings, financial stresses, finding adequate childcare, and so much more know that a half-assed conversation may be all that your friend can give you. if you want to maintain a strong friendship you are going to have to go to her and be the one to pick up the phone and make the effort. sorry! someday trust that she’ll repay the favor.

4) be patient. as time goes on and that baby grows into an independent child know that your friend is going to come back. those patience have served me well. my best friend and i are closer, on a far deeper level now than we were 9 years ago. we made it work and i know without a doubt that she’s a lifelong friend. (plus, she can now comfortably get away for adult girl time again!!!)

5) figure out what you want and how you feel. you can’t control whether or not your friends have kids but you can control how you feel and react to that happy news. i know that i want kids. but the decision is not as simple as saying i want them. when my friends share their exciting news i feel so overcome with mixed emotions that it’s almost unbearable. (hence the reason i cried when miss jordyn was born.) i’m somewhere between i’m so excited for you, if not a little jealous to i kind of feel like having a cocktail or two to celebrate your baby’s birth.

6) consider the value of waiting. if kiddos are on your radar think about all of the invaluable knowledge you’ll gain just from listening to your friend’s challenges and mistakes. true friends won’t let you make the same ones so be there to support them and be thankful that they’ll be there for you with all sorts of advice (solicited or not) when the time comes.

if you’re still struggling like i initially did consider this as a consolation: to her you’re the ‘bestie’ and to her kiddos you’re their ‘aunite’. trust me, there is no higher compliment.

my besties and their sweet, sweet babies: